261st Reflection💬

“Doubts and worries, how to dissolve❓”

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’

……..

20/12/2022 (Tue) 08:00 Wah Hon Cha Chaan Teng

I said, “Mum, I find a subtle change in you.”

Mum said, “What is it?”

I said, “You’re less annoying.”

Mum said, “Was I that annoying?”

I said, “Yes, you were.”

Mum said, “How annoying?”

I said, “You kept asking the same question before but now you cut down the number of repetitions.”

Mum said, “Really?”

I said, “Yes. Didn’t you find that you kept asking the sane question before?”

Mum said, “Yes, I did. I kept asking the same question because I was looking for a clear answer.”

I said, “Why the more you ask, the clearer will it be?”

Mum said, “Because if there’s no clear answer heard, it 99% ends up with something bad.”

I said, “Where does this idea come from?”

Mum said, “Your dad.”

I said, “My dad?”

Mum said, “Back to those days, he once told me he wanted to change his job. And I asked him if he’d got an offer already.”

I said, “His answer?”

Mum said, “None.”

I said, “So he’d got an offer?”

Mum said, “Of course no. I told him, a man has to take responsibility - do not quit his job until he’s found another.”

I said, “His answer?”

Mum said, “None.”

I said, “Did he proactively look for a new job?”

Mum said, “Of course not.”

I said, “Did he answer you how he was going to fulfil his responsibility?”

Mum said, “No.”

I said, “Oh my goodness. That’s why you keep asking again and again, even for something as simple as dining out.”

Mum said, “I’d better keep asking until I’ve got a clear answer. One may not do it even though he’s given an answer, let alone no answer.”

I said, “But you’re asking much less right now. You asked me once only whether I’d be back for dinner at the winter solstice.”

Mum said, “Because you’ve given me a clear answer: you’ll be back home by 08:00p.m. this Friday. So there’s left no point in asking another time.”

I said, “I did give you some answer when you asked some years ago. But why did you keep asking then?”

Mum said, “You’re much different now.”

I said, “How different am I now?”

Mum said, “You’re now much clearer, with accurate details. Like this time, you’ve told me the time, the place and the people. You mean yes when you say yes. You mean no when you say no. You mean undecided when you say you’re undecided.”

I said, “I’m like that now?”

Mum said, “Yes, even more, you do it when you say yes. You won’t do it when say no.”

I said, “Am I now like who my dad was?”

Mum said, “Nothing.”

I said, “That’s great.”

Mum said, “What’s so great about it?”

I said, “Then you no longer have to be so annoying. Once I’ve given a clear answer, you can stop asking and save a lot of your precious time.”

Mum smiled and said, “You’re just disgusting.”

……

Another me said, “You love your mum.”

I said, “Thanks.”

Another me said, “In order to relieve her doubts and worries your dad has caused, you are changing yourself.”

I said, “It has nothing to do with her in the decision to change myself.

Another me said, “There must be something to do with her! How warm it looked between you and her.”

I said, “Nothing to do with her! I just happened to know, during the breakfast this morning, that one of the reasons why she was so annoying was that my dad gave no answers to her questions at all to escape his responsibility. But if I had been as irresponsible as he was, how could I have embarked on my music journey 3 years ago? How can I advance in my music studies and learn to be a composer if I answer no question and take no responsibility? Whatever you can hear and see in the performance may have something to do with the composer.”

Another me said, “Who did you learn from since 3 years ago?”

I said, “Jesus. He said, in Matthew 5:37, “Simply let my ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and my ‘No,’ ‘No.’”

Another me said, “Alas…..Your mum’s worries are her own problem. This statement from Jesus, I won’t follow.”

I said, “I know that. You’ve a turtle that pulls his head into his shell, in short, trash. That’s why I’ve drawn a boundary against you since I started my music studies.”

Another me said, “I haven’t yet told why I won’t follow this statement. How could you depict me as a turtle that pulls his head into his shell, in short, trash and even drawn a boundary against me?

I said, “You, dare not let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ because you don’t want to pay the price. You don’t want to follow up what you have said with actions. You don’t let your ‘No,’ be ‘No.’ either because you’re scared of displeasing the person in front of you. You love them much more than the Lord.