175th Reflection💬

“Scare, Anxiety, How will God guide me❓”

He will walk me through it, one step after another.

........

15/02/2021 (Mon) 12:00 MTR Compartment

I went hiking with my senior secondary classmates, and my senior secondary teacher Chinese as well as Philosophy. When travelling back home on MTR,

Teacher said, “Wai Hung, How are you?”

I said, “I’m studying music.”

Teacher said, “Since?”

I said, “Since October last year.”

Teacher said, “You love music?”

I said, “Yes.

Teacher said, “Do it wholeheartedly if you do.”

I said, “Thanks for support.”

Teacher said, “It’s the best if you can get absorbed in it.”

I said, “Let’s see.”

Teacher said, “I sense that there is something changing in you. Is there anything to do with your learning music?”

I said, “What change?”

Teacher said, “You’re less anxious as you were .”

I said, “I was very anxious, wasn’t I?”

Teacher said, “Yes, you were.”

I said, “When did you find that?”

Teacher said, “You got a poor performance in the public exam. You’re coming to seek a place to retake Form 5.”

I said, “Did you find me that anxious when teaching me Chinese in Form 6?”

Teacher said, “As anxious.”

I said, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Teacher said, “Because you were too anxious to hear about your state of anxiety. If I tell you l, you’ll probably be even more anxious.”

I said, “Then why do you tell me now?”

Teacher said, “Because I see that you’re less anxious now. I’m convinced that you can now accept that I tell you about your anxiety.”

......

Another me said, “God’s just amazing.”

I said, “In what way?”

Another me said, “God knows your anxiety. He brings you to music to relieve your anxiety.”

I said, “Actually, there is just something in music that triggers my anxiety.”

Another me said, “What? Don’t you love music? And you’re still anxious even though now you’re already a teacher?”

I said, “Yes.”

Another me said, “What is the thing in music that triggers your anxiety?”

I said, “Performance!”

Another me said, “How anxious?”

I said, “If I play alone, that’s fine. If I play in front of the camera, my performance turns at least 30% off.

Another me said, “30% off is normal.”

I said, “If I play with people around, it can be 50% off.”

Another me said, “50% off is still acceptable.”

I said, “Last time, I played in front of the vice principal. My fingers trembled so much that I couldn’t play.”

Another me said, “That anxious?”

I said, “Yes, I’m that anxious.”

Another me said, “You told God you’re going to major in composition. Then do composition and skip performance. Simple!”

I said, “No, I can’t skip performance.”

Another me said, “Why can’t you skip performance?”

I said, “It is a compulsory subject called Applied Music.”

Another me said, “In October 2020, God called you to studying music not to stay you away from your anxiety...”

I said, “But to walk me through my anxiety, one step after another.”